How Does It Feel?

Let’s assume you are in a long-term relationship or perhaps you are married.  Do you feel loved by your partner?  Do you experience the joy of being loved?  If not, perhaps you need to define what love means to you.  What does ‘love’ look like and feel like to you?

Many of us have developed in our mind what we expect from others in order for us to feel loved.  The problem is that we fail to tell anyone what that definition is, especially our partner.  We take the attitude that ‘if he/she really loved me, he/she would know what I need in order for me to feel loved’.  That only works if your partner is a mind reader, and mind readers are in short supply.

This is where you need to define what love looks like and feels like for you.  ‘You’ are unique in this world and you have developed your own set of values over time.  Your childhood development and life experiences have created the ‘unique you’.  There is not another like you in the world.  So why would you think someone else would know how you define love? There is very little chance that your partner will instinctively know what you require in order to feel loved.

The only way to solve this problem is by ‘communication – communication - communication’. You must be willing to tell your partner what your expectations are for being loved. Some of us are happy just to hear ‘I love you’.  Others need an expression of love in the form of gifts, or maybe just time being together (sorry guys – that also includes talking!).

When we communicate our expectations about love, we are not delivering a list of demands.  You cannot demand to be loved.  We are simply creating an awareness of these expectations.  It will take time for your partner to absorb this information into their experience and then respond in way favorable to your expectations.

By the way – if you don’t feel loved, its not very likely that your partner does either.  You may need to ask.

 - Joe Freeman